her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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