Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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