no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize