Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize