Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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