i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
