Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
