Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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