It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
