So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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