I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
