He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
