did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
