her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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