I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
