if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
