I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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