Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
