apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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