I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
