why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
