she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
