Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
