You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
