I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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