Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
