I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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