I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
