he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm passing your future prison.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
