You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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