Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
