Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
