she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My ATM looks so different sober.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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