True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
