well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
