Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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