no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
