you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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