I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
