umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize