Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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