Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
God, I missed his penis.
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