something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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