i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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