You really coming over, don't trick.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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