it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
