is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
