Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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