My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
