We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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