don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
