these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
