I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We just shotgunned beers for America
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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