He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
