I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
