there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
