Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
