Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize