Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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